Lead me Forward...

Life is hard. I was just telling my dear friend Katie the last Saturday on our drive to Spokane that a few years ago when I was newly married, finishing up my bachelors degree and basically enjoying a pretty easy life-- I had a hard time wrapping my head around how AMAZING Heaven would be, and therefore was content to wait a while for Jesus to come take me home. Meaning it was hard for me at that point in my life for me to understand why people would say "I wish Jesus would come back today." Now- don't get me wrong. I loved the Lord and was excited for Heaven, but life was fun and easy and there was still so much I wanted to do and see. etc, etc, etc.

Fast forward about a year and I was starting to understand this sentiment. Life was getting more complicated, getting harder. My youthful rose-colored glasses were fogging up with a not so rose colored reality. And I'm not trying to say that I have a rough life, by no means is that something I would say because I have it good, I am blessed. It's just that as life changes, and we find out more of who we are as a people and as an individual I was starting to see how NOT good we are apart from a devotion to Christ. People are broken, leaders don't always have the end all, be all answers and they fall too, no really,I fall, they fall, we fall-- because we are sinners. We fail and fail and fail some more. We dig and pull and yell and throw fits and beg and plead and don't TRULY let Jesus lead our lives. Life is hard, we like to learn the hard way because we like ourselves so much.

The truth is- I've tasted and seen that HE is good. SO much better than this world- on my best day- when I'm loving life so much. BUT- I want to desire Jesus more, I want to desire Heaven more, and in the meantime- I want to stop being so darn complacent with my faith. I NEED to have a more burning desire too see broken people healed, hearts repaired and restored in Jesus Name-- Relationships made brand new. I want to see Jesus's face and tell him I don't know why he loves me, but I am so thankful. Thankful he always chose to let me try and fail and try and try and try.

Tonight I'm finding myself broken and thankful and in awe of the POWER of the Holy Spirit. I spent the last two days in scattered communication with Jesus- asking for something specific- begging for something and feeling ashamed for realizing I was at his feet only because of circumstance. I want to see JESUS. He answered my prayer. He is a God of Hope and Mercy. And He is glad to hear from my lame-self. Oh Savior! I don't deserve you but I am SO glad you love me.
Jesus- find me here. Forgive me here. Your love is SO good. Quiet my tongue, open my ears. Lead me forward to you. Thank you for showing me your power, even though I don't deserve to see it.