My Greatest Pursuit...

I love being a mommy.  It is amazing to me how much I love this role.  I never would have ever imagined how much my heart and life's direction would be changed when we had our first baby girl.  Over the course of a few months with sweet Addison my whole reason for being on earth became new.  My heart understood in human capacity what God's love for us must feel like.  My mission field became more clear and apparent as now I had a young life to help guide, shape form and point to Jesus.  Many of the aspirations that had taken the forefront in my life shifted to other places of priority, no longer the "most important pursuit."

Today, I have two lives that I helped create, that I love with the deepest love I have ever known or experienced.  I know that this is cliche as it gets, but oh how my heart bursts with love each and every time Addison looks at me and says "You look pretty mama," or "Mommy, I love Jesus too!" 

It swells when my little Cruz-boy's mouth curves up in the corners giving me a slight smile when he is nursing and notices his mama adoringly looking at him.  When he "ah-goo's" me and coos at me, trusting me completely.

There are many things I love, that I still aspire for, to do, to be, and I know God still has plans for me that I will continue to seek and pursue, but the one that will be most important for all of my days is to be a wife and mommy.  To be a light and example to the lives God has entrusted me to parent with my husband.

I am thankful for this season in my life, for the role of being a mommy. Just thought I'd say so.

K

Transparent

To start off, I wanted to say I am SO thankful to be on antibiotics! And thankful to everyone who has offered up prayers on my family's behalf! I haven't been this sick in my adult life! I got on some antibiotics today for my sinus infection....can't wait for them to start working!
Its a quiet afternoon for me right now with both babies sleeping and I'm upstairs looking out the window at the lake and the stillness.  The other night I was soaking in the tub (trying to find some relief, at least for my muscles) and I started to pray.  It began as a prayer asking God to heal my body and protect my family from anymore illness and then it became more of a prayer asking for a renewed passion for Him in 2012.  I have walked with Jesus as my Savior for all of my life, I was raised in the church I now serve and work at, and began my personal relationship with Him at 12 years old.

 I love Jesus, but I take Him for granted.  

He is the one constant in my life, the One who will love me regardless of how many times I throw daggers at His heart with my sin. He is the only true Provider and Healer, yet I continually slip in to self-reliance and focusing on "The American Dream" to find a false security in the physical, only to be reminded, when things fall apart, that only Jesus is capable.
I love Him, and desire Him, but I place Him on the back burner time and time again.
In this time of prayer I found myself asking Him to move me out of the way of myself and really hear Him this year.  Stop talking, stop doing for the sake of doing and just listen.  I asked for clarity, that I might really know how best to seek Him, feel Him and follow Him.  I asked that this year not slip away, day by day, week by week without significant deepening of my walk.  That my worship not just be the same, but that it be transformed into something like never before, a space that is for He and I to commune.
I asked Him to help me be a better wife, an encourager and supporter of my lover, my best friend, my husband. To be a better mother to the beautiful babies He has gifted me with, to love, encourage and support, discipline, teach and be taught by.  To protect their innocence and point them to the deepest love they'll ever know in Christ Jesus.
I asked to be a better follower of Him, and in turn a better leader in the ministry I have before me, at my church, with my worship team, and other volunteers that I will oversee.  That He show me how to meet the needs of others and help them find places to use their gifts and talents for the greater Kingdom of God.

I placed a study on my nightstand. It was in a drawer. Seems silly, but in the drawer I didn't see it or think about it often. Now I see it, and I pick it up and I do it. I talk with my Father.  I won't be perfect, I'll forget to or make excuses to not spend time with Him in devotion and prayer.  I'll let a week go by without giving Him the time he deserves, the priority he should always be. This is me saying it like it is. It makes my heart sad to say it, but it's true. I will mess up.   But this year, instead of letting the gap of guilt widen, I will continue to push myself out of a place of complacency and pursue Him.

I won't let Satan's voice telling me that asking for forgiveness one more time is one more time too many.  

I may not be capable, but He is,  It is in my weakness that He is made strong, that He is glorified.

This is me being transparent, honest and embarrassed at the person I am far to often.  But Jesus can take the tattered parts of me and turn them into a beautiful tapestry.  He can for you too.

Kristine

Derailed...

As excited as I was to begin this new year with a bang, it turned out to be more of a fizzle.  My intentions were to wake up on the 1st head to church and come home and starting planning for things to begin and accomplish this first week of the new year.  Well, we made it to church and once we got home everything stalled.  Addison after her nap started coughing and feeling icky, and I started to feel a lot of achyness (sp) in my joints and muscles as well as a headache coming on.  Needless to say, we were going downhill and fast. Sunday night came and went and then Monday--  the aches and pains I had felt were intensifying in my joints and muscles and I spent the night buried under blankets sleeping in sweats and my robe, still freezing with chattering teeth that kept me up from 2-4:30am.  Having not gotten to bed until almost 11 this was not much sleep for mama.  Addison and Cruz both woke up at 6 so I was going to have to survive on 4.5 hours of sleep,with a now migraine headache and low fever.  Addison was hacking and complaining of an upset tummy and Jake had to be off to work (poor guy wanted to stay home and take care of us but it is month end close so he really couldn't).  Luckily for me, Cruz sleeps well and takes good naps during the day and he did so all day Tuesday.  I took advantage of his nap-times and let Addison watch cartoons and movies while I cat-napped on the couch trying to regain some strength.
I know we had quite a few friends praying for us, I was worried it was flu and praying constantly all day that Cruz not get whatever Addison and I had.  By the end of the day, both of us were feeling quite a bit better and seemingly on the mend. Addison's still had her cough yesterday but not too bad and is mostly back to her usual self.  I on the other-hand felt 90% better yesterday and jumped on my usual daily routine only to be slapped back again around 4pm when I started getting the same aches as I had on Monday night.  I spent the remainder of the evening in pain and started the on and off of feeling like I was freezing (despite wearing layers), then sweating.  UGH! I believe I have come to the conclusion that I have fallen victim to Mastitis. I am calling my doctor at Sandpoint Women's Health today to see if they agree, and if so, to treat with antibiotics before it gets any worse. I do have the symptoms in my chest region that follow suit with Mastitis and being that what would have been "flu" never really progressed, this is where I've landed.
All this being said, all I can say at this point is wow! I had never really gotten sick while Addison was a baby, even a toddler and on,  my first bouts with any illnesses came by way of a cold and GI bug this last summer while pregnant with Cruz.  I was still a mother of only one child that I had to take care. Being a sick mommy of a sick 3 year old and still needing to take care of, nurse, etc. a 10 week old is a lot of work.  I have a ton of admiration for the single mom's out there who's reality this is daily.
I am also thankful for the community of people in my life.  I knew there were a lot of people praying for our recovery as well as praying for protection over my infant.  I also had my doctors wife ask me if there was anything they could do and offer to bring me chicken soup.  I mean how many people have a community like this?  When I say community I'm not referring specifically to that of Sandpoint, but rather the community of people who we have relationships with, that care about us and us them.  Those that pray for us and we pray for, offer to help out, etc.  I believe that through these relationships and community, I can see the hands and feet of Jesus.  And looking back on this week, the first week of 2012 that I had all these hopes and plans for, I realize that maybe God's plan for me was to stop (or be stopped) in order that I might take some time to realize all those in our lives that make up a great community of people who God has put in our lives to show us His love so that we strive at doing the same for others.  A great reminder to me that this year, 2012-- might not only be about my hopes, intentions and aspirations, but rather what things God might want me to focus on hourly, daily, weekly, etc.
So, as this week starts winding down, and most of the things I planned to accomplish were derailed by illness, I believe I have had some time to be reminded that though my 2012 goals included following and growing in Jesus, HE reminded me that this is a moment by moment task, an hour by hour fine tuning of the ear to His voice, prompting and leading.  To not allow my goals to get in the way of what He might have for me in the moment, even if its different than what I had planned for that moment.

Its Thursday, here's to the rest of this week and weekend.  May our bodies be healed by His hand, our hearts be pulled closer to the Heart of the Father and our hopes, dreams and intentions be aligned with His moment by moment plan for our lives.

K