Transparent

To start off, I wanted to say I am SO thankful to be on antibiotics! And thankful to everyone who has offered up prayers on my family's behalf! I haven't been this sick in my adult life! I got on some antibiotics today for my sinus infection....can't wait for them to start working!
Its a quiet afternoon for me right now with both babies sleeping and I'm upstairs looking out the window at the lake and the stillness.  The other night I was soaking in the tub (trying to find some relief, at least for my muscles) and I started to pray.  It began as a prayer asking God to heal my body and protect my family from anymore illness and then it became more of a prayer asking for a renewed passion for Him in 2012.  I have walked with Jesus as my Savior for all of my life, I was raised in the church I now serve and work at, and began my personal relationship with Him at 12 years old.

 I love Jesus, but I take Him for granted.  

He is the one constant in my life, the One who will love me regardless of how many times I throw daggers at His heart with my sin. He is the only true Provider and Healer, yet I continually slip in to self-reliance and focusing on "The American Dream" to find a false security in the physical, only to be reminded, when things fall apart, that only Jesus is capable.
I love Him, and desire Him, but I place Him on the back burner time and time again.
In this time of prayer I found myself asking Him to move me out of the way of myself and really hear Him this year.  Stop talking, stop doing for the sake of doing and just listen.  I asked for clarity, that I might really know how best to seek Him, feel Him and follow Him.  I asked that this year not slip away, day by day, week by week without significant deepening of my walk.  That my worship not just be the same, but that it be transformed into something like never before, a space that is for He and I to commune.
I asked Him to help me be a better wife, an encourager and supporter of my lover, my best friend, my husband. To be a better mother to the beautiful babies He has gifted me with, to love, encourage and support, discipline, teach and be taught by.  To protect their innocence and point them to the deepest love they'll ever know in Christ Jesus.
I asked to be a better follower of Him, and in turn a better leader in the ministry I have before me, at my church, with my worship team, and other volunteers that I will oversee.  That He show me how to meet the needs of others and help them find places to use their gifts and talents for the greater Kingdom of God.

I placed a study on my nightstand. It was in a drawer. Seems silly, but in the drawer I didn't see it or think about it often. Now I see it, and I pick it up and I do it. I talk with my Father.  I won't be perfect, I'll forget to or make excuses to not spend time with Him in devotion and prayer.  I'll let a week go by without giving Him the time he deserves, the priority he should always be. This is me saying it like it is. It makes my heart sad to say it, but it's true. I will mess up.   But this year, instead of letting the gap of guilt widen, I will continue to push myself out of a place of complacency and pursue Him.

I won't let Satan's voice telling me that asking for forgiveness one more time is one more time too many.  

I may not be capable, but He is,  It is in my weakness that He is made strong, that He is glorified.

This is me being transparent, honest and embarrassed at the person I am far to often.  But Jesus can take the tattered parts of me and turn them into a beautiful tapestry.  He can for you too.

Kristine