2011, crazy. Already I am looking back at 3 months and one week in this new year feeling like an insane amount of time has passed. To say 2011 started off the way we ended 2010 would be laughable. Reality is 2010 was a great year for us. After the last couple years of big changes financially and me transitioning from working full time to being a full time mommy creating a time of uncertainty regarding our position financially. 2010 was the year that we started to rest in the peace that God had not only provided for our needs during this time, but He had been blessing us in so many ways. We hit a stride that allowed us to breath out and not be tense in the shoulders waiting for "the next big thing" to hit and propel us into panic mode. My ability to "let go and let God" had grown immensely! I was no longer in that place where you have that nag in the back of your mind or the pit of your stomach always. I could honestly say I trusted God with these things and believed in His ability to show me how incredibly faithful He is! That said, our year was good, perfectly uneventful and enjoyable in that sense! :) Around the end of the year Jake and I decided that it was time to start thinking about another baby. Addison was just shy of 2 and we had always said about the time she'd be 3 would be just perfect for us, me specifically. Amazingly the first month we tried, I found out I was pregnant and was honestly shocked at how quickly everything happened but within the week I lost the baby and felt the disappointment of another miscarriage. The holidays came and went and just as the promise of 2011's fresh start shone we found ourselves facing the horror of Jake loosing his job of 5.5 years mid-January.
Here's where my insecurity should have got the best of me, where I should have been freaking out and pulling out my box of band-aids and super glue getting ready to "fix" the situation to the best of my human ability. But you know what, as I write this blog, this is where I realized how much my faith in God had grown. He had never left us hanging the past two years, we'd never missed a meal, been unable to fill up our gas tank or even miss a birthday gift to a loved one. As I said before, I could really only look back and see blessings. Now don't get me wrong, I am FAR from perfect, just ask my husband :) and i had my moments of weakness and questioning "why us, why now," but when push came to shove, I knew God was shutting doors and opening windows as the cliche goes.... and just over 2 months later Jake is working for an unbelievable company in a career track he had hoped to eventually transition into.
There have been some big changes we have had to face, our house is on the market in a terrible real estate economy and we really need it to sell, but again, God knows, no really, HE KNOWS better than we do what is best, how to work out the details, for which he cares so much about. I know that there may be some days, weeks and steps of uncertainty as we move forward, but ultimately I just feel so richly blessed by a Father who pursues my heart and wants nothing more than to continue to show me His face, if I seek, I find.
Finally, despite my initial concern following Jake's layoff and not knowing what the future held for us regarding his job, a potential move out of the area, etc. We decided that more than anything the two negative pregnancy tests following my October miscarriage were more disappointing than anything and that there was NO reason to hold off on trying for another child regardless of our financial situation. My initial thoughts in January were that it might be a good thing that we hadn't found ourselves pregnant just yet, but as I mentioned, those negative tests only confirmed the desire we had to keep trying and trusting that God truly is "For Family," and would continue to take care of us if He chose to bless us with another pregnancy. Saying I trust you God, means I trust you right? Well, I have an all to easy tendency to fall back into a place of micromanaging God when I feel a little frightened....but in this case we turned it all over to Him and He continues to prove His Glory over and over. Despite our inadequacies, our doubts and our lack of trust and faith in Him that shows up daily in our human lives.
Yesterday Jake and I heard the beating heart of our second bundle of joy. A strong, fast heartbeat, a reminder of the blessing and heart of a Father who is sovereign and full of love for His children. in about 29 weeks Addison will meet her little brother or sister and our family of 3 will be a family of 4.
If the next 8+ months are anything like the last 3 have been, we are in for change, ups, downs and more. I've already buckled the seat belt around my growing tummy and look forward to watching God pave the way for this adventure we find ourselves in the midst of... prayer- fully hopeful that I will chase after, seek His face and TRUST whole-heartedly in all that He is doing to show us more of who He is. Please Jesus, help me to do this even when your plan is fuzzy or blurry in my eyes.
May your spring be filled with the blessing of newness in Him....
-K
